June 20, 2015June 20, 2015 by Manmohan Dhar

Daughter In Law Mother In Law Relationship

Some people may say why I intended to write on this precarious subject of daughter in law, mother in law relationship.

Well, to be very frank, I consider this relationship a very pious, unique, tender, and above all a very selfless relationship. Where both can share all that is important for a healthy and cordial atmosphere in a family. In fact, if I say that their relationship is no less than a very intense friendship, I may not be mistaken.

A friendship which has its roots in mutual trust and belief.

A daughter in law is a girl who comes from a different family. A girl who has been brought up in a much different set of circumstances prevailing in her parental home. She is used to and has experienced a world much friendly and more suited to her liking and disliking. She must have even been habitual to the parents’ and other family members’ pampering. And not surprising enough, it must have put a permanent impact on the over all behavior of the girl. And she might be fine with it and even enjoying it.

Even her parents must be feeling proud about the way they have been able to bring their child up.

Every child is dear to his or her parents. And no parent would like to impart anything on the child which in the long run would prove wrong for the child. In fact parents try to imbibe good virtues in their beloved children. It is only the way, in which the whole process of teaching and learning goes. Both have to be very much positive in their intent.

Ok, coming back to the subject of daughter in law mother in law relationship, all I have to say is, that a girl from a different family is willing to get married and start a new life with her life partner and of course with his family.

In other words a person who is, in no way related to the boy’s family, leaves her home, her parents, her loved ones viz. brothers, sisters and even friends, just to surrender to her father’s wish to give her as a gift to the boy in the shape of ” Kanyadaan”. And she starts a new life in the boy’s home, considering it her own.

Well, I think this is not something which does’nt deserve to be appreciated, commended and acknowledged.

This shifting of homes would be no less than a mere dream, if the strong element of sacrifice would not be their in the girl’s consent to be a part and parcel of the boy’s family.

This is where the boy and the girl need to work in tandem and try their level best to balance the whole family scenario with intelligent and most family oriented behavior.

And this is when the daughter in law, mother in law relationship comes into being. If the girl enters the boy’s home with a clean and selfless mind set and the boy’s mother treats the girl as the most important member of the family, who deserves the special care and affection, then we can think of everything being smooth and satisfying.

But once the element of misadventure invades either the psyche of mother in law or for that matter the daughter in law, think that everything is not fine with the family.

Let us now discuss the element of expectation, which becomes indispensable the moment the relationship comes into existence. Both expect their due from each other. And the one who falters, faces the wrath.

And do you know who emerges as the biggest sufferer in the whole scenario.

Yes, you are right. The Boy. But how ? well, that is altogether a different issue and can be discussed separately.

But why element of expectation, why shouldn’t we call it the element of caring and sharing. Because, when we expect, and expectation eludes us, it gives pain. And when we don’t create an element of expectation and something comes our way unexpectedly, it can undoubtedly give us a reason to rejoice and feel happy and satisfied.

And when we talk in terms of caring and sharing. Both these aspects of life are very much positive and enthralling.

Believe me when relationships are nurtured on the pillars of caring and sharing, the world will become a wonderful creation of God in the real sense.

Moreover, metaphorically speaking, if we try to see the relationship of Daughter In Law and Mother In Law, together, we get DILMIL. (And dilmil in hindi means, Union of hearts, or mutual understanding). We must have quite often heard people say, ” dil mil gaye. which means there has been a strong unison and mutual understanding.

So I insist, there has to be a strong feeling of mutual understanding, which is the only way to keep the family buoyancy intact.

A cheerful and optimistic attitude or disposition is the key to healthy family embodiment and quintessence.

June 15, 2015July 28, 2017 by Manmohan Dhar

Children Parent Relationship….. Give It A Thought.

By Manmohan Dhar

World is changing at a very fast speed. So is our country, our neighborhood, our society and our culture.

And it is very hard to put brakes on the changing life style, food habits, social instincts, alarmingly damaging approach to life, of the present day youth. Though we may not generalize the situation but yes a large section of the youth is definitely not on the right path in their pursuit.

In fact, to be very frank, damage, I am afraid, has been done, and all the blame for that can not be put on the youth only.

Society, work culture, social media and the parents as well, are to be blamed for the remotely repairable damage that has been caused. Why I say “remotely repairable”, has a strong reason behind that, which is that we should never, under any circumstances, say that this damage can’t be fixed.

I feel, if we all act towards the right direction, with a right approach and with a strong and firm resolve, we will succeed in repairing the damage, before it is too late.

Children, in the present educational scenario, live with their parents till they qualify their higher secondary academics.

After that they either qualify for professional studies or for any other stream of academics, for which they have to leave the home and live at a separate place with altogether a separate environment.

This is where the problem starts cropping up.

But those twelve years of academic study can play a vital role in the psyche of a particular child, if the parents put in their best in shaping and polishing the mind set of their children. Because these are basically the most crucial years of a child where he or she can be motivated and inspired to follow what is right for him or her.

When the parents don’t falter their duties, when they understand the virtues and shortcomings of their children, when they make use of time, the most, in teaching their children, the essence of this world and the purpose to live in it, then there is no reason why we can not conquer the evil.

There are so many aspects of life which need one on one with respect to the children and their parents, and lot many need to be addressed with utmost caution and belongingness because when it comes to a bright and acceptable future of our children, we as parents can never efford to be careless or for that matter ignorant about the growth and development of our children.

As parents we have to take time out, in persuading our children to understand the meaning of being noble, gentle, generous, painstaking, helpful and above all obedient, so that when our children are exposed to external stumili, they are able to resist and in the bargain impart less damage to their growing persona.

Children too, are human being, just like their parents. They can come across a variety of people with altogether a different mental setup and a different pattern of reacting abilities to deal with outside world. So with everything just averse to what they thought theie environment to be, they ought to manage, with all the I.Q at their command, to come up to the expectations of their parents. This is what most of the parents keep…… expectations!

Well to expect good is not bad, but to expect good without thinking that this expecting factor, may in the long run may create a sense of fear in his mind, and instead of trying to do good or be good, he may lose the grip and get swayed into something very bad.

So expectations need to be minimized. We may exercise our right to be the parents who always want to protect their children, expecting them to be good, but expectations need to be minimal.

When something good comes your way unexpectedly, it gives a feeling of joy, contentment and tremendous satisfaction.

Children too, need time to settle in a particular environment.

And I can assure you, if your home work has been up to the mark, they won’t disappoint you.

So for all those parents who are never ready to take the brunt of responsibility on their shoulders, I would suggest they take time out, from their busy schedule and devote it towards their children during their all important academics, when they are all out to listen to whatever you tell them in framing their future.

Let us all take the call well on time and nip the evil in the bud, before it is too late.

Because, it is really, never, too late.

What is needed is the “Action, at a right time, at a right place and of course with the right person”.

Children and parents, both can play a very vital and pivital role in nation building. All that is needed is the sincere effort and firm resolve to be instrumental in transforming the society.

Ours is a very rich culture and to preserve the essence of it’s richness, we shall have to be the whistleblowers. If we see or come to know about something concerning our children or for that matter someone else’s children, which in one way or the other is not good for them, we should raise our voice. Because we owe it to the human race and humanity.

April 25, 2015July 26, 2015 by Manmohan Dhar

Kanyadan Or No Kanyadan

Social media has really made the world a very small place.

You can see, chat or even comment on what you feel needs to be.

You can even feel the psyche of the people in their expressions on the social media.

I am going to touch one of the very common phenomenon among our Kashmeeri girls, who after their marriage continue to use the surname of their parental side, alongwith the surname of the family to which they get married. e.g So and So…Gadoo Talashi, So and So…. Goja Fotedar, So and So…Dhar Khazanchi etc. etc.

My concern is not regarding the carrying of two surnames. Let them carry two surnames, if at all they think they are doing it the right way.

My only concern is about the Kanyadan.

Even if we go by the literal meaning of the word, it means that the father gives his daughter in “dan”. Thereby giving her to the other side i.e. the boy’s side.

So long the daughter carries the name of her father’s side, the significance of Kanyadan gets marred.

In present setup one can even get the surname changed, in the academic certificates, only if one wishes to, simply going through some formalities.

So what is the fun of stretching your name.

There should be, no sentiments associated with the religious rituals.

I would like my daughters, who wear the traditional kashmeeri dress “feran’ and other accessories associated with the traditional dress like targa, zooj, pooch, loungi etc. etc. with pride, to just have an insight of the traditions regarding sur names prevailing during the olden golden days.

I would not suggest as to what should actually be the practice, but yes I would like my readers to understand for themselves, whether the contention is right or wrong.

Kanyadan or no Kanyadan………..customs say that girl can only carry the name of her spouse and not of her father after the kanyadan.

Once out of Gotra, means beyond any doubt, that you have to part with the gotra and caste of your parents, only to ensure the legitimacy of the Kanyadan.

Carrying father’s surname after the marriage, only nullifies the purpose of the festivities of marriage and that of the Kanyadan itself.

This is not meant to hurt some of my daughters who carry dual identity, but yes I would like them to give a thought to the very essence of kanyadan.

The most sacred form of marriage for 2500 years in India has been kanyadan, “the gift of a girl.” The concept has a prominent place in ancient Hindu lawbooks.

when the father hands over all his rights and duties towards his daughter to her prospective groom. This way the father gives her daughter as a gift to the groom. As per tradition, groom is considered a form of Lord Vishnu.

And what is the harm if you are exclusively known as a member of the dynasty of Vishnu.

Well, in certain cases there happens to be no need to change the parental caste, as the destiny plans like that. What happens, the bride and the groom happen to be from the same caste and gotra, but not related to each other. In such cases also marriages take place. Though the caste and the gotra remain the same but Kanyadaan also doesn’t get nullified.

What is important to understand is that Kanyadaan basically means shifting of caste and gotra, though it remains the same in some exceptional cases. But that doesn’t mean that the bride has not left the parental caste and gotra.

There can be an elaborate discussion on the subject. Here I have just tried to evaluate the importance of Kanyadaan.

I hope the message is conveyed in the right perspective.

January 1, 2015January 1, 2015 by Manmohan Dhar

2015 A Year Ahead

2014 was a year of change, hope and strength both on social and political fronts.
we saw a strong resolve conforming to the will to fight women abuse which is something which needs to be applauded thunderously.
2014 witnessed a nation wide fight against corruption basically targeted at uplifting the poor and downtrodden conditions prevailing in rural India.

There have been various other numerous social reforms which have played a significant role in making India a more progressive and forward looking country in 2014. These social reforms were aimed at fight against several social evils such as Sati, widow remarriage, child marriage, child abuse, illiteracy, poverty and above all the crime against women.
Indian people have of late felt themselves very near to the real “BHARAT” concept, which enshrines social equality, women empowerment, social upliftment and economic stability.

There have been other reforms on the children’s front and various other social evils during 2014.

Scientifically also India has achieved unprecedented success in so far as entering the orbit of Mars at the very first attempt is concerned, when other developed countries failed to do so in their first attempts. And that too on the lowest cost ever.

On the sports front also we saw a rise in the popularity of ancient Indian sports like Kabbadi, not only on the national arena but Internationally as well. We made around 35 countries play the game with India as their mentor.

In the field of entertainment, India has, as usual, been the leader in film production. Be it the documentaries, social and art films or for that matter the commercial films, India still happens to be the leader. Though we may not be conforming to the international standards of film making.

On the political front also India has proved its metal. Be it the arch rival Pakistan or for that matter the ever unfriendly China, India has been able to convince them politically in a manner that not only have we been able to persue them to change their policies towards India but also work as per the wishes of India, so as to work towards world peace.

America has strongly acknowledged the presence of India in the International arena.

There are numerous other examples vindicating the Indian might.

2015, we wish, should in all ways be a year of follow up for all that was conceived on the social and political fronts during the year 2014.

I wish all my friends the world over, a very successful, eventful and a happening new year 2015.

Hope 2015 sees India achieving the unachieved, making we the citizens, feel proud about that.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

JAI BHARAT

August 26, 2014 by Manmohan Dhar

Have Social Values Got Erased From The Face Of Society

Sometimes people give a very pessimistic, cynical and demoralizing view about social values becoming ‘history’.

Sometimes very disheartening statements against our youth really make us very sad. They blame the youth for being totally disrespectful towards their customs and traditions.

But I think, it is not the youth, it is the huge communication gap that is boundlessly increasing between the generations, which is responsible for the damage, if any.

In fact the youth of present times is very sincere, honest, open, candid, truthful and straight forward. You discuss anything with them, which is good, positive, practical,pragmatic,effective, productive and with some strong social logic attached to it, they are there to accept it with pride. In fact they, not only accept it, but assure as well, that the same is passed on to the future generations as well.

So, instead of heeding the people who are hell bent on blaming our youth, we should try to introspect and find the ways to safeguard our respective social values.

Well, the damage, if any, is not irreparable, at all.

I think social values are the most influencing aspect of a civilized society. A society is a multi faceted entity comprising of diverse nature of embodiment of traditional and cultural ethos.

Communication skills, is what holds the key to succeed. So let us talk. Listen and be listened. be able to explain, explore and present before the youth,the reason to accept something,which in your view needs to be carried forward.

I don’t think social values are completely erased from the face of the society.

With the advent of social media, and the likes thereof, in the contemporary world, the possibility of strengthening the feeble cords of human values has in fact enhanced. But, this via media needs to be used in a right perspective.

There is always a hope. And our hope lies, not only in preaching and propagating, it lies in the broad mindedness of our youth, who are ready to accept anything which sounds logical to them. Hope also lies in the positive appoach of our youth. So, we can rest assured.

Further, it would be wrong to see the diversity in different social and cultural formats on the same wavelength. Because the concept of ‘social values’ differs from one society to the other. But notwithstanding this fact, every society is expected to stick, resolutely, if not rigidly, to the basics, and not tend towards something that may amount to a paradigm shift in the set pattern of belief in a particular community.

We should not, rather can not, ridicule the old traditions just on the ground that these traditions and customs are obsolete, orthodox, conservative or superstitious. There are some very prominent positives in these traditions and customs, which can be explored in making the newer generation, a widely accepted ‘role model’ for the future generations.

Be humble in accepting the newer trends. Of course the good ones.

we need to be liberal in extending a free hand to the youth in different aspects of life, barring a few where the absolute control of the older generation is needed the most.

We also need to broaden our understanding of other cultures. In fact, try to pick some appealing aspects of other cultures across the world, to fit in that of our own.

And,last but not the least, let me assert, “The child is father of the man”. (This expression was used by William Wordsworth in his famous poem,’The Rainbow’) This means that all our positive and negative virtues are established when we are young.So it is necessary to groom children to adopt healthy attitudes and positive virtues so that they grow up to be balanced individuals, with an everlasting faith in social values.

When we do this, we will triumph in upholding the core principles of our “social values “.

August 22, 2014August 23, 2014 by Manmohan Dhar

Think tank, But How ? Crime Against Women, A Sin

Mr. Arun Jaitley, a political stalwart,proudly enjoying the privilege of being called the “Think Tank” of his party, can stoop so low and speak so irresponsibly and unconscionably, really stunned me.

I wonder, How can he be the “Think Tank”. He has not thought before he spoke.

Even in normal circumstances one thinks twice before making a statement.

But this political giant never thought it to be so important.

May be he did’nt do it intentionally,but whatever he said was something which needs to be condemned very strongly.

If you are making a statement in public or in a forum,you ought to do some home work and keep your cool while deliberating. You have also to be careful and unhurried in your speech.
“Think before you speak” , It looks, does’nt apply to him. Perhaps he thinks that he holds a position where he is free to utter anything he thinks is in the larger interest of his country and the audience will accept it, even if it hurts the sentiments of the people and even puts the image of the country in jeopardy.

Any unfortunate incident of crime against women, needs to be strongly condemned and its mention should not be made in public, so cheaply.

This is really painful.

We ought to raise our voice against crime,but should not use it for ulterior motives, even if it relates to any sort of development, for that matter.

It should not be highlighted while discussing issues confronting the country, even if it happens to have some kind of an impact, directly or indirectly, on the same.

Country comes ‘First’, But respect for women is “Supreme”

Crime against women is a sensitive issue and needs to be dealt with utmost responsibility and a sense of belongingness and humane emotions accompanied by compassion, benevolence and humanistic values.

So, Mr. Jaitley when you said and I quote a part thereof, “A ‘small’ incident of rape….” unquote. You have not said it with all your thinking abilities at your command.

This is very very hurting.

Well, Mr. Jaitley you owe an unconditional apology, not only to the person about whom you spoke, not only to her parents and well wishers, but to the Nation as a whole.

And, I am sure a person of your stature will not waste a moment in doing so.

Please uphold the values of Humanity.

JAI BHARAT

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